blackeyedburpeas

So much has happened over the last few years, I don’t even know where to start.  I recently went through a very horrible divorce and feel incredibly lost at this point in my life.  As I type this I have tears in my eyes.  Naively I thought this would never happen to me.  It is horrible when the person you love the most in this whole world suddenly tells you you are not worth it and says he wants a divorce.  Deep down I know that is not true, but the other part of my heart says if the person most important to me in this world says it then it must be true.  I feel so lost in every area of my life and I just don’t even know where to begin or where to start.  My number one concern is my 2 children and trying to help them process this.  They of course have had a difficult time and all I can do is give them the resources to cope. The holidays are here now and last year the holidays were absolutely horrible as we were in the thick of him saying he wanted a divorce and did not love me anymore, yet we had to put up this façade for the kids.  It was terrible.  Now the holidays are here again which means I get to spend Thanksgiving alone, I have no family where I live and my kids will be with their dad so I am just trying to figure out things I can do until I get them back on Sunday.  He put a moving restriction on me so moving back to my hometown is not an option, which is where my family and friends are.  There is so much uncertainty right now and I just feel constantly nauseous about it all the time.  I mean how to you date in your 40s?  I certainly can’t date how I did when I was in my 20s.  I mean I am not looking for a boyfriend persay but is this it for me, alone for the rest of my life?  I am raising my kids but eventually they will have their own lives as well.  I am just trying to cope the best way I know how at this point which means I don’t even know where to start or begin.

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It’s been a long time since I last wrote so I figured I better get on track again.  I think the last time I wrote was Sept 2011, well it is May 2014, so what’s three years!  So much has happened in three years yet so little has happened.  Almost two years ago, I decided to start going to a different box, which resulted in many unexpected trials.  I unfortunately lost many “friends” because I decided to leave my box, yet I gained friends as well.  This decision was extremely hard for me to make and I delayed making the decision for many months because I did not want to lose those “friends”.  However, the bottom line is I needed to make some changes to make myself happy and leaving the box I initially started Crossfit at was one of them.  It got to where everyday I would come into the box hopeful and ready to work and everyday I would leave feeling horrible about myself, my lifts were not improving, my endurance was not improving, no matter how hard I worked, I always felt worthless after a workout!  I knew this was not right, I shouldn’t be feeling this way.  So I started making some changes, cutting back on the weight I was lifting, not doing rx wods so much, working on form and endurance, etc.  Unfortunately, this backfired on me as well because certain coaches were giving me flack about doing this, namely the owner.  I found this very disheartening and knew that I needed to make a change and that meant leaving the box and possibly losing my “friends”.  Well needless to say that did happen, I lost many “friends” yet some people became my friends despite me leaving the box.  It honestly felt like I was going through a divorce, it was a tough break and there were not many individuals I could talk to about this.  I eventually even deleted my profile from Facebook because of negativity and lack of support for decisions I decided to make.  I am happy at the box I go to now.  And my husband basically installed a “box” in our garage, he needed a place to workout when he is home and I have a place to workout when I can’t make it to the box.  My new box, well it is not really new anymore, has times that don’t always work with my schedule so having a at home box is wonderful.  And honestly I don’t mind working out by myself.  Sometimes it is kinda nice.  It has everything, a pull up rig, over 400lbs of weight, bars, kettlebells, medicine balls, boxes to jump, I have mapped out a 200m, 400m, 800m, and a mile run.  We are getting ready for Murph in less than a week!  All in all, when I look back on my decision, I have never regretted it, regardless of how difficult it was for me to go through.  Going through this trial, I quickly realized who my friends were.  I think I just did not want to find out who was not my friend, that is a hard realization.  I am still working on weight loss.  Right now, weight loss for me is 95% food and 5% working out.  I continue to struggle with food.  But I continue to try and overcome the battle and keep my chin up.  That is all I can do.  My kids are 10 and 5 now, and we are contemplating having another child.  I would love that and I know I would feel that our family would be complete then. Anyway that is all for now!

Today I ran the Ranger Rush 5k here in my community with a whole bunch of fellow Crossfitters.  It was a great morning, a little humid, but not cold and great running weather.  My goal was to set a PR today, get it done in under 30 minutes!  I have NEVER done this before but I felt it could be done because other people do it all the time, just not Grandma, which is me.  I have been called Grandma since I was probably in 3rd or 4th grade because I have always been a slow runner.  I have never really enjoyed running although  I was always in track because I know running is good for you and it was a great way to spend time with my friends.  Well I am tired of being grandma, damnit!  So come hell or high water I was gonna run and run as fast as my legs would take me and NOT STOP!  This has always been my nemesis in the past.  I stop when it gets hard or I start to hurt.  Not physically hurt just hurting from pushing yourself hard.  So I had my IPOD on and was listening to great music that was pushing me along.  I had no idea what my time was but I felt good so I kept going.  Then here comes Gretchen out of no where saying Come on Amanda go harder, go faster.  Where the heck has she been?  So I went harder and faster cause dangit I didn’t want her to beat me….at least not by much :).  I never stopped during the run and there were some inclines on this course that made you want to stop, but I trudged on and was determined to make this a goal accomplishing day.  Well I did it, I finished the 5k in 28:28!   Wooooooooooooo Hooooooooooooo!  Anyone that knows me knows that this is a huge accomplishment for me and I was on cloud 9, after I caught my breath of course.  Actually I am still on cloud 9.  It truly feels great to accomplish a goal that I set along time ago and it actually came to fruition!  On runs you are essentially alone so you are going againist yourself to go harder, faster, be stronger.  Man it feels good to know that this 36 year old body has still got it.   So does this mean that I can’t be called Grandma anymore?    I sure hope so!!!!!

recent competition

What a great mantra

Now I know the pic above might make some people uncomfortable.  I am posting it more for the words on the poster than the girl on the poster.  Granted she has a great body but that is not necessarily what I am striving for.  The words are what I am striving for.  I hate when self doubt creeps in.  It is so destructive.   And this can be in your personal fitness goals, you life goals, whatever.  Anytime doubt creeps in it can quickly take over.  I was at workout yesterday and I already knew what the wod was which can be a bad thing.  Most of the time I like to be surprised so I can’t stew over it and let doubt creep in.  The wod was:

400m run, 12 pullups, 6 deadlifts (155lbs) X 5 rounds.

I started off and man those pullups were hard, everyone was smoking me and doing it much faster than me.  Granted I was the only one doing pullups and I can only get about 3 at a time but still it is hard to not get down on yourself.  Anyways I continue trudging along and I get to my last 12 pullups and with about 5 left I begin to rip in the middle of my right hand.  God the pain!  It hurt so bad but I gotta finish the pullups and then go to the deadlifts.  The deadlifts were cake but the pullups man.  My coaches were all over my ass too, which made it good and bad.  Anyway finished the wod, last one done, just under 30 min.  I was pissed.  Just very frustrating to finish last and to feel that I did so poorly.  There it is self doubt!  I let it creep in.  All kinds of thoughts were running through my mind, I am quitting crossfit it does no good, etc etc.  I was just very frustrated and irritated and my hands freakin hurt.  Anyways I talked with my hubby which made me feel alot better but my performance truly bothered me all night.  It is best to give self doubt the no entry into your mind, it just does terrible things to the psyche.  So I went to bed and just thought tomorrow is another day get up and do better.  I went to workout this am, it was a great team wod and my partner and I finished first!  How exciting is that!  I know it’s not about finishing first or last but after yesterday it really felt good today.  I felt strong in that cool hill country air and knew I could push myself.  A low yesterday and a high today,what a great feeling. 

So I began thinking, what has crossfit done for me, me thinking yesterday that it has done nothing.  Well my endurance is amazing compared to when I started, I couldn’t even run a 200m without stopping, now stopping never even crosses my mind because I know I can do it, I lift heavy weight and am good at it, my snatches are good, who would have thought I would be snatching lol, I can do pullups which I have NEVER been able to do in my entire life, I am so much stronger than I ever thought I could be.  Its so great to have my husband say I like going to crossfit with you because it is so great to see what you can do~!  Love that.  So one day I am down on myself the next day I am not.  I  will forge on and keep trying to push myself to do more.  Here is my hand after workout yesterday, not the worst but it sure wasn’t feeling good that is for sure!

OWIE

So here it is Monday again and that usually means a pretty tough workout at Crossfit.  Although really all the wod’s at Crossfit are tough, Monday’s just always seem tougher.  For some reason when I am tasked with alot of wall balls and box jumps, I begin to mentally shut down.  I don’t know why.  For some reason when it really starts to hurt I just stop.  I used to have this issue with running, but as of late I don’t have that problem.  I guess it has progressed on to WB’s and BJ’s.  I have to figure out a way to break through this and get tougher, not so much physically but mentally.  When it hurts, I need to think just do one more rep and them hopefully that one more rep will turn into 10 more reps etc.  I recently had a friend complete the SealFit Kokoro challenge.  From what he has said, mental toughness is a must to complete this and their goal is to break you down.  I have no idea how you become mentally tough, my guess is it is just like getting physically fit, you have to practice.  So basically I need to practice my mental toughness.

I have found myself becoming short tempered with my kids and it is really bothering me.  I have never been a very patient person and children certainly test your patience.  I think it is a number of things that is causing me to be short tempered, ie money issues, stress with my stay at home job, trying to be everything to everyone just begins to wear me down I guess.  I need to find ways to be mentally tough in my personal and my spiritual life in order to get through the days, some days are worse than others I admit.  I struggle with all the responsibilities of everything.  I knew staying at home with my kids would be tough, but guys it really is a very hard job.  Lots on my to do list that’s for sure but with perserverance, mental toughness and relying on the things and people in my life will bring much peace to my life.

Wod Today:

“Elly”

30wall balls (14lbs)

30 box jumps (24in)

X5 rounds

Time:  29:26 CRAP time!

Here are some recent pics from a competition I was in, placed 14th overall, 3rd in Comal Crossfit females.  Big self esteem booster right there!

I am pushing a sled with 180lbs on it! New one for me!I am about to clean and jerk 105lbsDouble unders baby!30 kettle bell swings 35lbs!

So my last post was back in May, sorry I have been out of commission.  It has been a busy funfilled summer and now one child is back in school, so maybe things will calm down a bit.  I am still working out hard, eating has been difficult at times, however on a good note I have lost 10lbs in 3 weeks all thanks to Paleo!  My workouts are improving, I am no longer consistently last, I finish many times closer to the top which is a huge self esteem booster to me, but in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t matter if I finish at the top or if I have a better time than someone.  It’s all about the battle with me.  Yesterday was not a banner day for eating, however that is the first time I have fallen off the wagon in 3 weeks, so today I just got back on the wagon and moved forward.  I have this goal list next to my computer that I look at every day and taped to it is a fat picture of me.  The picture is just horrible and honestly it really does help to keep me on track.

Another great thing to happen is that my husband has started Crossfitting with me, which makes me incredibly happy!  It took a year and a half of not nagging at all but he bought into it and I think he really enjoys the challenge.  Right now its all about health and being here for his family.  I think he likes the competitive aspect of it as well.  He told me he doesn’t like it when I beat him (hehehehehe).  He’s actually very good at it and everyone at the gym just loves him.  He has noticeable weight loss and is also following Paleo.

I have hit some personal goals along the way as well.  I did Helen prescribed which is 400m run, 12 pullups 21 kbs x3rds, finished well under 20min!  Anytime there is a run involved in the wod, I never walk anymore which is huge for me as well because as soon as it starts to hurt or get hard I stop.  There is a local 5K coming up and I am going to finish it in under 30min!  I am alot stronger with pushups now.  Also I can squat clean and squat snatch all in one movement, that’s huge as well. I also a couple of times a week I will workout twice in one day, just for a metabolism boost.  Its tough but is working. I did “Randy” prescribed 75 power snatches (55lbs) in under 8 min. All in all, I am making strides and just trying to stay focused.

On another note, its so great to be able to hang out with other girls who are stay at home moms too and can totally relate to you.  I really enjoy all the friendships I have been able to make lately.  It feels good to feed my soul with such positivity! 

Workout for Today:

AMRAP 20min

2 power snatches (65lbs)

4 hang snatches (65lbs)

6 overhead squats (65lbs)

8 burpees

I got 8 rounds and 12 reps!  I was #1 girl when I left, won’t last long but it sure felt good.  This is why I do what I do, I accomplish things I never thought I could do!

Happy Thursday everyone!

with pullups in it!  I was very nervous going into this wod as I am not stringing the pull ups all together however I just bit the bullet and did it.  It feels very good to do it as RX and just know that I did it.  The wod was:

Helen

400m run

21 KBS (35lbs)

12 pullups

My time: 16:56

Not the best but I really wasn’t focused on the time, only on good form.  I had to do my pullups one at a time but who cares!  I did it.  What a great feeling.  My box started a new challenge and the focus of this challenge is to make Paleo a lifestyle.  I will be honest with you, I feel so much better when I eat paleo and my workouts go so much better and I do lose the weight on paleo.  However I tend to lose my focus and let temptation take over and that’s what I need to work on.  However the first week went well and I stuck to my goals and have seen the results in the gym and on the scale.  So here’s to a great week in and out of the gym.


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  • Marci Anton: Great job!!!!! You are such an inspiration!
  • Stephanie Fikes-Realtor: Lots of days I feel the same way! I can feel and see changes in some areas but not others as quickly as I would like so it is easy to get frustrated.
  • Marsha: Awesome post Amanda! People don't realize just how bad those rips hurt or how sore your hands are after that many pullups until they've experienced i

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